As a German revert and soon-to-be father, I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting. I want to raise my child with strong Islamic values, not just let society shape them.

Recently, I learned something that completely changed how I view parenting.

An online coach explained that one of the biggest mistakes Muslim parents make is over-rewarding their children—especially when they use rewards to make their kids behave.

The Problem With Too Many Rewards

Many Muslim parents today bribe their kids to be good. They say things like:

• “If you do your homework, I’ll buy you a toy.”
• “If you pray, I’ll give you candy.”
• “If you clean your room, you can have more screen time.”

At first, this seems harmless. The child listens, does what they’re told, and the parents feel like they’ve won. But in reality, they are creating a long-term disaster.

Why? Because kids raised this way become addicted to rewards.

They don’t learn discipline. They don’t learn responsibility. Instead, they learn:

“I will only do something if I get a reward for it.”

And once that mentality is there, it becomes very hard to remove.

The Cycle of Addiction

Many parents today unintentionally train their kids for addiction.

It starts with small things:

• Giving sweets to stop them from crying.
• Using screens to make them behave.
• Buying toys as a way to keep them happy.

What happens next? The child learns to rely on dopamine hits to do anything.

Instead of developing patience and inner motivation, they become dependent on external rewards. This can later lead to:

• Screen addiction (especially with video games and social media).
• Food addiction (unhealthy eating habits to feel good).
• Laziness (refusing to do anything unless there’s a reward).
• Even worse addictions later in life (smoking, drinking, or worse).

And for parents, this quickly turns into a nightmare.

The Spoiled Child Syndrome

When kids grow up with this system, they become:

• Selfish – Everything revolves around them.
• Rude – If they don’t get what they want, they throw tantrums.
• Ungrateful – They stop appreciating things because they expect rewards.

This is why some Muslim kids today act spoiled. Parents say “no” to Christmas, birthdays, and haram entertainment—but to “make up for it,” they give their kids everything else.

They feel guilty for saying no, so they overcompensate by spoiling them.

But what does this teach the child? That Islam is about restrictions, not discipline.

Instead of learning self-control and patience, they see Islam as something that takes away fun. And this, later on, pushes them away from the Deen.

The Damage to Families

Kids raised like this don’t just become difficult to manage. They also create family problems.

• Parents feel judged when others call their child “spoiled.”
• Mothers feel defensive when their child misbehaves.
• Fathers become frustrated and emotionally distant.
• Family gatherings become stressful because the child is always demanding attention.

And in the end, everyone suffers.

The Cheap Trick of Shaytan

Using rewards to control kids feels like an easy solution. It works fast—which is why so many parents do it.

But it’s a trick from Shaytan.

He makes it seem like you’re solving a problem, but in reality, you’re creating a bigger one.

Short-term: Your child listens.

Long-term: Your child only listens when there’s a reward.

This is why we need a different strategy.

The Islamic Way of Parenting

Islam teaches us to raise our children with discipline, love, and guidance—not bribery.

Instead of training them to expect rewards, we should teach them:

✅ Sabr (patience) – Doing the right thing without expecting an instant reward.
✅ Taqwa (God-consciousness) – Acting correctly because Allah sees us, not because we get a prize.
✅ Adab (manners) – Treating others with respect, not selfishness.
✅ Shukr (gratitude) – Appreciating what they have, instead of demanding more.

A child raised with Islamic discipline becomes independent, confident, and responsible.

A child raised with constant rewards becomes weak, selfish, and dependent.

How to Break the Cycle

If you’ve been using rewards too much, you need to stop—but carefully. Here’s how:

1️⃣ Reduce rewards gradually – Don’t remove them instantly, but start lowering them.
2️⃣ Explain values – Teach your child why they should behave well (because it pleases Allah, not because of gifts).
3️⃣ Encourage responsibility – Give them small duties without rewards, just because it’s the right thing to do.
4️⃣ Praise effort, not results – Instead of rewarding good behavior with things, praise them for their character.
5️⃣ Be patient – Changing habits takes time, but it’s worth it.